A. Here’s the problem:
The following passage, describing a family of deer taking water, contains some good images but is cluttered with unnecessary words.
B. What to do:
Use the technique of bracketing surplus verbiage to help create more concise writing.
Original Version:
The male is standing slightly behind the other two as if he were protecting them. His head held high in the air with his antlers looking like a giant maze on top of his head. He is amazing with his giant chest covered in snow-white fur adding a perfect contrast to his light brown body. In front of him is the female. Her head is held down as she gently sips the water from the crystal clear stream. She has a much smaller body, but her delicate look makes her beautiful in her own way. Next to her is another deer. Smaller in size appearing to be their young. It is a male deer because he has just started to grow some antlers himself. I see a smooth rock just to my left and take a seat as quietly as possible making sure not to disturb this serene moment in time. I look down to make sure that I do not step on a twig that has hidden itself in the tall, green grass.
Clutter bracketed:
The male [is standing] slightly behind the other two, [as if he were] protecting them, [H]is head held high [in the air] with [his] antlers [looking] like a giant maze on [top of his head]. He is amazing, [with] his giant chest covered in snow-white fur [adding] a perfect [contrast] to his light brown body. In front of him is the female[.] [H]er head [is held] down as she [gently] sips [the water] from the crystal clear stream. She has a much smaller body, [but] her delicate look [makes her] beautiful in [her] own way. Next to her is another deer[.] [S]maller in size [appearing to be] their young. [It is a] male, [deer because] he has just started to grow [some] antlers himself. I see a smooth rock [just] to my left and take a seat [as] quietly, [as possible] making sure not to disturb this serene moment [in time]. I look down to make sure [that] I do not step on a twig [that has] hidden [itself] in the tall, green grass.
Corrected Version:
The male stands slightly behind the other two, protecting them, his head held high with antlers like a giant maze. He is amazing, his giant chest covered in snow-white fur contrasting perfectly with his light brown body. In front of him is the female, her head down as she sips from the crystal clear stream. She has a much smaller body, her delicate look beautiful in its own way. Next to her is another deer, even smaller in size, apparently their young. A male, he has just started to grow antlers himself. I see a smooth rock to my left and take a seat quietly, making sure not to disturb this serene moment. I look down to make sure I do not step on a twig hidden in the tall, green grass.
